Antony - My Red Wine

I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved - I told him and he heard me, confused & angry like never before but through it all he kept himself a calm mood, i knew hes doing the most impossible thing in his life & for me, i told to myself - My heart is Safe

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men, love or friendship. I have fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism, SMH

And that Optimism took me to a point where I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together

We didn’t agree on much. In fact, we didn’t agree on anything. We fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite our differences, we had one important thing in common. We were crazy about each other.
He told me hes coming over, just like any other time, i got excited,
This time we had mature, we grew older with each other for 5yrs, we had in us what that seeded unknown years back, you knew it yet didnt remind me, i was unaware, thus did i feel your heart  not;

We had the same old time of a drink together, i didnt know a thing inside you but could read the eyes that froze me.
You had me near, i knew i was safe but yet for the 1st time ever i was scared to take a tiny step for u & your phone broke

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, 5 years and a half ago.
When i see someone i love the most cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything


I knew, in the silence that followed, that anything could happen here. It might be too late again, I might have missed my chance. But I would at least know I tried, that I took my heart and extended my hand, whatever the outcome.
"Okay," he said. He took a breath. "You never understand, never will,What would you do, if you could do anything?"
I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him

Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down

You are my RedWine, the more i keep the better you get

The Omnipotent

Brought up in a typical n stereotype Knanaya Jacobite traditon I was taken to 
church every Sunday,mostly forcefully, as me and sisters tend to find reasons to skip a Sunday mass; sent to Sunday school when the bishop made it strict for all children to have Sunday school 10th grade passed to make them eligible to get married. 
I was in class 7 when this rule came, and my dad put me in class 1 in Sunday
school, sitting with kids who were 5-6 yrs younger to me, while my cousin whos is just one yr younger to me was put in class 3. 1st day of Sunday school I was taught as how to put cross, honestly I dint no we had to bind 
3 fingers to put a cross. 

Well next Sunday I was promoted by force to 3rd std in Sunday
school while I was still in class 7 in regular school. During my 11th n 12th grade I skip attending Sundayschool ( was in boarding school) and wrote just the exam bcoz of the hold my dad had in church.


In those days prayer was always there in all forms, family prayer at night,
Friday evening I have attended many prayer meetings, directly after school, 
heard many preaching from different pastors n priests…
Never did I pray unless I was nearing to get results in every year or to receive a report card or when I have done something really unjustifiable for that age, 
which I did multiple times, which was hyped much but feel so silly now. 
Either ways I never had a personal relationship or a right guidance or not even a proper advice as how to be prayed or a promise given as prayers
do have tremendous power and it will be heard.

Never will I blame my parents, you cant give your kids what you haven’t got

from your folks or have guided the way to be. 

My mom had told it many times to me that she never got a guidance as how to pray or anything ways about it nor expressed love so she and dad couldn’t give or show what they have for us, though I rebelled a zillion times against that logic, I came to be in terms with it, bcoz even though

I express much in my family compared to rest of them, when it comes to showing to my folks it becomes a lot difficult, what weren’t done around would jerk you to do even if you feel so.. Like tomorrow if my dad call me and talk to me and if he say “I love you and take care” I ‘ll go bonkers as whats gone soo wrong with him! 

Am so used to my inexpressible parents, keeping in mind the fact that I don’t think I can ever find parents as loving n caring as I have got.

Ok so… Prayer, was a casual routine of our lives and though I had gone through much shit and hurt myself, ached my folks many times in many ways, still I didn’t no there was this God 

who is playing with my life and GOTTA plan for me, there were times in my life where I genuinely asked God “why? 

Why me? why all these nonsense with me, why couldn’t you prevent me from doing certain things, why why why” never did I get an answer, nor I knew he answers, he talks, never I knew we have to wait & listen also. 

My folks had taken us to different pastors and preachers n priests as they think as many other parents of our background does when something goes wrong, not knowing if god can talk to them, That God is able to talk to you too, not knowing we are supposed to pray in Faith and believe you will be answered. 

Every time something went wrong and I was shattered and messed up, never knew one day this God we pray to make us understand the worth of us!

Every time for every thing we were taken or our folks went themselves 

to a priest or a man of god to pray and get an answer, 

lack of Faith in our Prayers, lack of Faith in Ourselves, lack of wisdom as to lay hands on your own kids and pray than running here and there for an answer. 

Who else will pray as genuine as a parent praying for their kids?

As a kid praying for their own parents? None! NONE… But am sure the day is not long enough for witnessing my parents laying hands on my head and praying for anything and running to God, for HE WILL answer n not to anyone else.

Being invited to a Bible based church was the bestest thing that happened in my life, EVER! I learned much, learned to be humble, learned to pray, learned to pray in faith, learned to pray for where I lack, where I have to work on, what I have to get rid of, how to wait on prayers, how to say right things to people in need, how to guide in spiritual walk, everyday it’s a learning now, 1st time in 23yrs I had the urge to go to church, the guilt of missing on Sunday In worship, 2yrs gone by and I have changed much for good! 

Still working & praying on a lot of inward working, honestly I took the laptop to watcha movie but see where I end up

Am in a midst of a great issue, full of tensions, if not for 2 yrs of God’s Grace n Mercy alone, a person like me with this state am in now should be almost lying down with a high BP and in tears n worried and what not I myself don’t know.But here am, writing my blog on the Omnipotent!!

If he can create the whole universe and you & me, if he can raise the dead, if he can plant the mountain from one place to other, if he can make the blind see, 

Whats it that he cant do?

If he has promised us not to forsake nor forget us, 

if he has promised us to fight for us,

if he has promised to be there in every walk of our life,

Whats is that you are worried for?

God bless me & you :)

HE’s the Omnipotent!

The empty bed

Dunno how many of you can relate it with me, but for some who gets so attached to people or things or place or name anything, for sure would get me right.

Its been exactly 24hrs since she left the room, and the it still didn’t really got sunk into my head that she left for good, it leaves me with the most hurtful thought that no matter how many days or weeks I wait she wont come back.

It isnt about many things we did together infact there is nothing great we did together but those tiny little things we shared, the time we had spend together, the care we had for each other, that’s wat matters. I had gone through this phase times back, with Jiby 1st, Ramya then, Rose & Shisa later n now her.. Bhawna!

People says time heals, its going to be okay, if shes gone another will come over but I say none can take up their space in our life. Some people stand remembered for a lifetime, missed always.. time heals,Fact!! but we ache along for a long.. I hate myself for being such an emotional person, so attached and I hate the fact that everytime this happens that thye have to leave or I have to and end up aching inside, beyond I can ever explain.

He says its going to be okay, last time also I had gone through it and had to leave Rose & Shisa n seen me crying my heart out and then got close to new roomy and this too would pass away and suggested me to shift Pg & in few I too will get married n be alright. I didn’t wanted him to say its okay, or I will get another one if this roomy is gone, n I even told him to get shut up, leaving him here me weep; but the attempt made to make me feel okay was sweet.

Yesterday I get home late as I can so I will be tired, ready to crash which helps me prevent from missing her presence in the room, asking me “Where were you?? You had dinner?” n I go hug and tell her “No mumma with a droopy face”

But she bowled me over with a sms saying “Go have dinner mumma..its late, am not with you so take care of urself and don’t sleep without food, miss yu.. cant stop my tears”, Here I was crying all day long, in office, to my collegues, to my friends n now this sms reached me with almost giving a cardiac arrest.
For the fact that I sooo get attached to people and just cant handle the fact that I have to be strong enough to face the time when I have to part, leaves me sooo sickened bcoz the pain is excruciating n so agonizing. I so adore her for being the strong person she is, not once she cried, not once I saw her eyes filled up, and the night I was packing for her holding onto my strength but broke down looking at one of those suitcases, she came up and hugged me n I kept weeping, but I was appalled on the fact that she managed to pacify me n strengthen me n told “don’t cry, its okay.. everything will be fine” and I hated that moment when she said all those bcoz I know shes as hurt as me but tells me “its okay”.. Its okay?? Going off forever, when I was in this pg just for her, travelling everyday 2 hrs to reach office, and its
okay? Its not Okay, its never going to be okay..

There wouldn’t be another you in my life ever, wouldn’t be another Jiby or Ramya, Rose or Shisa & whoever am going to get bonded with in my life ahead, There wouldn’t be another you, you take up a good space in my heart n remain as loved as I can keep it.

I see the empty bed of your’s and wish to remain the same but its already been taken over by shaheen, she wanted to shift to your bed n how am annoyed for that I myself dunno ( sorry shaheen if ur gonna
read this) .. I wish the empty bed to remain as its, you know why? Bcoz I will wait months together for you to to come back, The empty bed gives me hope of meeting you one day back in our room..

The plates n bowls u left are on purpose, i know.. and it hurts to see the 

"The empty bed …"

New Year!

I believe welcoming a new year & calling it happy  “Completes” only when I express my thanksgiving n being grateful to all those who had kept me happie or atleast tried to make me happie in their own sweet lil way!

• The ONE n only who has always being my provider, who always knew my flaws yet heard my cries every time I called out, God you deserve the first praise & am so thankful for all the unanswered requests, all the unasked blessings n love. The time when I wet my pillows & asked for my needs, praying for ur will to be done yet dictating my terms in those, Am thankful for teaching me, its not when u pray hard for weeks n months together when u want things to be done in ur ways but the prayer that answers are of a mind made up clear on surrendering all our plans n likings YOUR feet n in real asking for his will to be done.
• No matter what, irrespective all those ups & downs, you all were there!  Who had kept their time aside for us, who fought with words to be a consoler yet failed, who had  sat through hours while I cried, lend a shoulder, pulled me up each time I went down in spiritual walk, taught me faith, who had made calls unasked to ensure how am holding up, who constantly reminded me I always have a house open anytime I want a break, who felt bad whenever m hurt yet crack jokes just because he know nothing to console me, who prayed everyday for me to get a job in Bangalore itself, who advised the most logical things n how deal things n yet wait, who helped get me home without me asking, who understand me n call me when I need one the most…

How do I start a new year without thanking you all? Am grateful & will pray that you all be Noticed & Blessed in little things that you do in life for others-

Jean, Bhawna, Tushara, Jithesh, Ps Stephen, Ps Cham, Pooja, Ally, Chintu, Saf & Binoy

• Thanking you is as difficult as thanking God for the things he have done for me, still doing for me, and gonna continue doing for me. What you have been to me, none can ever be & how you have made me feel, I wouldn’t be able to feel with none. Praying heaven’s best to you Z!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR - No one is insignificant (Too small or unimportant to be worth consideration) in God's sight. You are the apple of God's eye.... & I sooo love you all.

Yet Another one in The Usual Scene

Dinner time, on my bed, with bhawna!!

(one of these days when shes brining dinner)

Start having one by one chappathi's yapping all things that happened in the entire day, office, bus, this & that! Suddenly i realize

Me: Its the chappathi i had taken ur having now

She: Nooo i kept it to right side of the curry n this is mine

Me: Why u will keep to the right side when ur sitting on the left side? that means its the one i kept

She: No chotu!

Me: Shut up Mottttiii

( Not that we have a problem of sharing it but the real reason comes below)

While jabbering & hogging, last one chapathi will be left n we both would be full by then & neither of us wanna have it n the argument starts there again!!

She: its urs

Me: HELL no

She: eeee.. :) its urs

Me: No man i had already 4

She: Even i had four

Me: Ah so? How many did u take n come?

She: (Evil grin... ) i took eighttt :) (Back in her head crystal bowl popped showing by mistake she took 9 ) n she smiles .. ok we will share this one, u have this much ( and she drag her nails n make a line almost similar to the one u see Kerala indicated in the Map) says she

Me: Yeah yeah!! (Smiles :))

P.S- These are the moments we get pissed but savour later in a day when u think of it. i know how much i miss her when shes away, i know how much shes been there for me whenever i had a breakdown, i know how much she had prayed for me to get a job in blore, i know how much she let me go on n on talk over topics which she just gave a start to n never completed without no complaints, leaving sometimes a note as "Sagitarians just talk n talk" :P .. I cant forget the day n nights when she sat beside me n watch me cry n dunno what to say yet just sat beside me throughout!! Thats friendship... :)

To one of the best roomy i had, i wish heavens best for you.

The Usual Scene

I get back to PG ( paying guest accomodation is Pg for people who dunno) earliest than other two in my room. I come, change my dress, wash off the entire days dirt, somedays broom the room with regard to how bad the scene is also on my mood.

After all that i go take food for myself n my roomy bhawna n wait for her to come, just because i know you will read this so am forced to mention that mostly these days she come back late from work and get dinner from down for me too ( sweet u) while i would be fidgiting with my mobile or under the blanket taking a quick nap or if incase i have a book to read. Yeah so either ways, usually because i take food for her knowing her from a year, aware that she wants 3 chappathi's & a lil bit of rice. But coming to the "usual scene" the time she enter the room, her eyes would be fixated on the plate of dinner kept on her bed, shouting a hi to me, eyes on the plate; asking me whats for dinner today, eyes on the plate; changing the dress still eyes on the plate...

Then the plate would be taken to my bed n hit me n say "uttooo motii" a person unknown to me also wouldnt call me 'moti', well shes got her own reasons :) & there we start, she counts the chappathis n scream "3chappathis???? n this much rice??" I would reply calmly " u have this much ryt?"

She "NO.. if am not having rice ONLY i will have 3 chappathi's otherwise 2 chappathis"

Me: ok FINE!! tomorrow i'l do so, now eat

Day 2 - The above mentioned tomorrow

Everything as above,

 She sits on my bed with the plate n scream "Ehhh, only this much rice n 2 chappathis?? am soo hungry"

Me: Yest who told with rice i want only 2 chappathis?

She: Yeah but not this little rice, but if its one spoon more then i dont need more chappathi is what i meant

Me: Then last week wat did u temme? U told me 10 times I need only one spoon of rice

She: No i meant one BIG spoon.

Me: whatever !!! everyday u come up with new new things

She: No chotu! i told with one spoon of rice ... (I interrupt)

Stop it!! one spoon of rice , my foot!

Smiles around :-)

Similar One

Well the scene is similar to when i get my progress card ( i dunno who the hell named it as Progress card as parents mostly check the progress on it n some of us like me have no much progress ever also its quite obvious that it create a havoc in our mind n cause an unhealthy tension at home for a week)

I dunno why plus i dunno what difference it makes to show the progress card at home the day we got it or keep it for 2 days n then show it; Coz i always prefer showing it on the last date of it to be returned n when dad just start the car to drop us to school, i run to him n ask him to sign.

(I just dont understand the reason behind parents having a close check on this shitty card & scrutinize it with previous test n compare n contrast n ask silly questions like " why last time u got 35 n this time u got only 24

C'mon may be coz last time i studied,or may be last time it was easy or it can be that last time i just got 35 n this time i got 24, Big deal!! )

Anyways, on the steering wheel he place the Card n then ask me to keep it on the dining table so he will have a good look at that in the evening n will give tomo, WoW!! 

( OH noooo!!! i feel)

and says " Appa see today is the last date to return it back"

Oh then you should ve shown it 2 days back to me, so now u go keep it on the table and get into the car, appa replies.

This is one of those unusual evenings where i behave as a new creation of god at home, i would go place my bag right where its supposed to be, change my uniform, go bathe, pray and sit for studies

Everyone in the house gets the air of my changed behavior!!

Regard to the round table conference after dinner in concern of progress card is one to be banished from every home, Why dyu parents have to fuzz so much on marks until 9th ??
To be honest that doesnt make u any better person in future if thats what the concern is ..


:D C yu soon